Enter yesterday's Meditation.
Walking - a bit of a mixed bag. I found my mind really hopping around. I learned that looking upward to the high, vaulted ceiling of the Sanctuary, drinking in the air and light, there's just no settling of my mind. I end up leaping from observation to observation, inwardly remarking "Oh, how pretty!", taking in the physical elements in the room, comparing them to our Sanctuary, which then saw me chasing my mental tail in more directions - - wondering how things are working out with their new Minister, hoping that Darla got a chance to light a candle for her brother on Sunday - - - run, run, spin, spin..... Then I started to beat myself up a bit judging *this* meditation as being less quality than last week's. Gah. Fortunately, I recognized this happening and let go - let go of my expectations and striving. I affirmed that I am doing the best I can, and what unfolds will unfold. I shifted my gaze down to the ground, and felt it soften. I relaxed my arms down by my side and felt a nice warmth begin to envelope them.
Ra Ma Da Sa, Sa Say So Hung
I practiced a bit of Metta, or Loving Kindness, Meditation. I held many people in my mind - - family mostly, but also the women in my meditation group. Some flowered with ease, some stuck a bit. Meant to type "flowed", but see now "flowered".. I'm leaving flowered.
Seated Meditation - it's amazing at how quickly twenty minutes can pass when you are just sitting quietly. I really felt good with this - it flowed, not perfectly, but I was not striving. My most audible message was "accept things as you are" (Ha! Another slip of the fingers there - -meant to write they are. I wonder if my mind is telling me more?)
Accept Things as You Are.
Thinking of all the ridiculous, petty stuff that has been coming into our sphere since my Father-in-Law's death - only days ago - to accept it all as it is To accept each person and their reaction, releasing judgement. I can do that if I choose to.
Nina, in reply to my sharing after the Meditation, said something so poignant: "You know the song? 'Row, Row, Row Your Boat'? - it tells us something really important: Row *your* boat; allow others to row theirs."
I release anger and judgement and accept things as the are. I will row my boat as best I can, and allow others the freedom and space to row their boat.
In our sharing, so many things seemed to connect and build upon each other ~ my own insight of acceptance touched Darla in her struggle to deal with her brother's cancer. Louise said something about how she had reacted to a friend's child's death - how she'd "frozen up" and felt embarrassed by her "failure to handle it better". This touched me, and I shared about how ashamed I felt when my friend had been diagnosed with breast cancer, and my strongest reaction - while concern and love for her was definitely there - my *strongest* reaction was fear. Fear for myself. I realize that I haven't really ever forgiven myself , accepted my reaction. Perhaps that is something I can do; I can forgive myself.
Nina spoke, and told of how when her niece was diagnosed with lymphoma some years ago, she'd felt so much of the same fear and guilt. She cried a bit, startled by the outpouring of emotion - "I don't know where this is coming from.". It was so beautiful.
Darla said she felt the same when her brother was diagnosed - - fear for herself, and utter shame for her selfishness. "I was more worried about myself than about him!" I think we each, in that moment, began to release something we've been carrying. Releasing the shame, beginning to let go of our guilt and self-judgement, beginning to forgive.
Isn't it funny what can come of a simple period of stillness in the company of others, having them share, reflect and resound with you?
It's wondrous. I am so grateful.
~K
No comments:
Post a Comment